In my July 2024 blog, Making Peace, I wrote about a challenging relationship that I needed more time to process before sharing my learnings with you. I have taken my time because I wanted to bring the negative aspects of this relationship to completion. I knew that it was time for me to dive deep into Pandora’s Box so I put on my snorkel, mask and flippers and dived in. After much work, I’m showered, changed, have put up some twinkly lights and I’m ready to share.
We all experience challenging relationships at one time or another: with our parents, siblings, romantic partners and business colleagues but each of these testing relationships gifts us the greatest opportunity for personal growth. They are there to wake us up, offering us the chance to begin the process of working on ourselves. Every relationship gives us these chances to find out what triggers us and presents us with an opening to uncover our wounds, which is when the magic begins.
Triggers and Old Patterns
The situation I spoke of back in July last year arose while I was in the UK and I immediately understood it to be a repeating pattern that needed my attention. All of my buttons were pressed and I was deeply upset. After an initial conversation I felt heard and thought that things were beginning to be resolved, but the Universe had other ideas and the very next day, old painful patterns reared their ugly heads. I needed to dive deeper.
I quickly understood that this was a pattern of behaviour offering me the chance to heal a deeply buried wound that I’ve been carrying since childhood and possibly for lifetimes. My wounding, also known as a trauma bond, has been trying to get my attention for some time and I was finally ready to tackle it head on.
I believe our relationships offer us the greatest learning opportunities, enabling us to discover how we are triggered and bringing to light the wounds that we are carrying. If we don’t choose to learn our lessons, to heal our emotional wounds in time, they can trigger major reactions. I often say to clients that if we don’t learn the lesson someone is offering us, the potential is for them to become larger with each new relationship – more in your face and bearing sharper teeth until we do.
When we choose to ignore our triggers, we bury the wounds ever deeper and we most likely don’t remember the original wounding consciously, but our bodies do. The body buries the learning within with the intention of keeping us safe from experiencing the same trauma again but in doing this, the pain is stored deep inside our cells.
As these pains and hurts are stored deep within our bodies the problem is that we tend to keep making life decisions from these patterns and they will keep repeating, getting bigger and bigger until we open to the learnings on offer. We need to get out of our heads and into our hearts, to allow ourselves to feel our feelings. My own wounding left me feeling unheard, unsupported and lonely; that my feelings don’t matter and that I’m always in the wrong. They weren’t new feelings but each time they rear their ugly heads they are more and more painful.
Our learnt behaviours and limiting beliefs are generally what we have learnt or taken on from those around us as we grow. Some of our patterns are so old and outdated, are so deeply ingrained, that we don’t even know that they are quietly running the show in the background. Your partner, for example, is a mirror for you to see your patterns and this offers you the opportunity to heal them. We are often reflecting each other, mirroring one another’s wounds, which, as I mentioned, are often called trauma bonds.
When it comes to our emotional wounds, if we don’t deal with them straightaway it will often be the little things that cause major reactions. Most probably 90% of our wounds will have nothing to do with our present relationship but everything to do with something that happened in the past. The challenge, often, is that we haven’t been taught the tools of how to deal with negative emotions and shift limiting beliefs.
We generally revisit our patterns until we initially become aware of behaviours that we need to change, but we will continue to revisit the events when a lesson hasn’t quite integrated until we break the cycle. We learn something, do something better, then break a cycle set up in the past once we have access to the wisdom the lesson was offering us and the lesson is learnt.
If you ever wonder ‘How did I get here again?’ or ‘Why does this keep happening to me?’, it’s because your relationship is a mix of what is good and what is potentially challenging. You have been drawn to this person for your own personal evolution. As you take time to go within and learn the lesson on offer to you, you begin to learn to do things differently.
We often blame our loved ones for making us unhappy but in truth we are responsible for our own happiness. If your parents and grandparents had ineffective strategies to deal with their emotional wounds it is likely that they will become your learnt behaviours and strategies. You will either do the same as them or the opposite. You may not remember your wounding consciously, but your body does.
Relationships as Mirrors
We attract our partners for a purpose. Initially in the honeymoon phase we show our shiny selves but in time we also begin to allow our shadow into play; we start to see the hidden parts and then our wounds also begin to shift the narrative. What if an aspect of their shadow is a reflection of you? You have attracted a partner that has similar wounds, albeit that these wounds may be showing up in different areas of life, but you’re getting triggered and the bigger the trigger, the deeper the wound.
We can use our relationships as a mirror to be able to get to places we wouldn’t otherwise be able to get to, enabling us to unmask deeper patterns of behaviour and bring these patterns into our awareness so that we can begin to take responsibility. When we learn to question our own behaviour, we stop projecting our negative issues onto our partner and begin to show compassion instead, which can gradually shift and transform the relationship from wounded to authentic.
We’re not meant to hold ourselves back in order to keep our families happy in their own discomfort either. We are born into these families to use these mirrors, these wounds, to wake us up so that we can start working on ourselves. There is an evolutionary process; our wounds are designed to wake us up, they are meant to happen, they are a gift. It’s about coming home to yourself, and as you begin to connect to your true voice, in time this voice gets louder and louder. Do the inner work and allow the magic to unfold before you – be your own magician!
Communication is the Key
Communication is the key to maintaining healthy relationships. You are responsible for your communication, both internally and externally; you are responsible for your emotions and your belief systems, and they in turn affect your ability to respond to the communication and behaviour of others. We often make the mistake of assuming we know what our partner is thinking or feeling, for example, but without communication it is easy to be misunderstood.
When we choose to do the personal work, clearing our outdated learnt behaviours and limiting beliefs, it can be a truly mystical journey of self-discovery. We learn to let go of the negative voices in our heads, the voices that we’ve allowed to run the show, and we begin to hear the inner voice that is loving and supportive – our authentic voice. The false, negative voice constantly criticises and will take things personally, whereas our true voice will show us love and kindness. Our authentic voice is most often a whisper and in time we’ll learn to turn up the volume.
As you begin to make decisions from your authentic voice it can impact your relationships. The more work you do, the more confidence you have; the more you listen to your authentic voice your life will begin to change in the most positive and wonderful ways.
When Those Around You Aren’t Growing at the Same Rate
If there are people around us that aren’t growing at the same rate, who are not doing their own work for personal growth, then it may trigger them, especially if it is a wounded relationship. The more you work on yourself in clearing your own wounds then anyone you are in a wounded relationship with may be triggered by the change in dynamics between you.
Wounded relationships can be difficult to maintain in these circumstances. You are not growing at the same rate because you are doing the work and they aren’t, so it can trigger them as you change and grow if they have stayed the same, and they begin to feel that they no longer know you. As you drop your old wounds, as you learn and grow, you begin to leave them behind; you no longer have your wounds in common and are no longer bonded by your old traumas. They will have to get to know the ‘new’ you as you transition from a wounded relationship into an authentic relationship, from co-dependence to inter-dependence. During the transition you often need space to enable your relationship to either shift up or for you to shift out of it altogether.
Cheering Yourself On!
My pattern as a people pleaser has been about putting other people’s needs and desires before my own. It is time for me to take charge of my own happiness. Use this as inspiration to remember that your feelings matter and you need to be true to yourself. It is certainly time for me to connect to my relationship with myself and as I make friends with me, the old stories are dropping away. I can feel my soul cheering me on, willing me to do the work, willing me to step ever more fully into all that I truly am in order for me to be fully present and to be my authentic self. My soul is my greatest cheerleader and is willing me to succeed – and yours is too.
Remember you are responsible for your behaviour and your happiness. As you take responsibility you will be at peace with yourself and others. Don’t live your life stuck in your wounds, it is a painful place to live and it blocks you from your happiness. How will you choose to behave now you are aware? Remain curious and stay out of the blame game!
The Benefits of Healing and Meditation
Healing and meditation are wonderful tools in assisting you in healing your limiting beliefs and learnt behaviours, enabling you to soften, open and expand your heart space, learning to know yourselves on a soul level. As you deepen your connection with your own heart and connect to the essence of who you truly are, you begin to shine your light out into the world. I invite you to connect ever more fully to your authentic self; connect deep within and give yourself permission to live your best life. Live it for you!
I hope that what I have shared with you helps you and makes you want to know yourself at the level of your beautiful, wise and shining heart and that it helps you to navigate through your daily life with grace and ease.
Please do get in touch if you have any questions or if you’d like my support. I’d love to assist you on your healing journey and guide you through empowering meditations as you connect ever more deeply into who you truly are. I love holding space for each and every one of you. Contact me on +61 4 2451 8884 or email hello@pippaneve.com.
Photo by Peregrine Photography on Unsplash