Healthy Relationships

Many of us aspire to having healthy relationships. I know I do, but what exactly are healthy relationships and how do we achieve them? Many of my clients tell me that they grew up in a dysfunctional family and I would certainly describe mine as dysfunctional too, but the mistake most of us make is in thinking that the opposite of dysfunctional is perfect rather than functional. I’m not sure, however, that being in a perfect relationship offers us any personal growth.

Dysfunctional Families

I know firsthand that growing up in a dysfunctional family is an experience of living in a group of people who not only exist in pain, but who are also not equipped with the skills and the tools needed to resolve these pains that they experience. It often means that the pains are perpetuated from generation to generation until someone is brave enough to break the patterns of hurt.

Naturally all families go through hard times and experience pain at one time or another – it is a normal part of the human experience – but a functional family is able to deal with the hurts that arise. They support one another as they find ways to resolve the situation that caused their pain and hurt. They work as a team.

Resolving Pain

Dysfunctional families don’t know how to resolve the pain, meaning it goes unresolved, and these pains pile up over time, creating uncomfortable experience upon uncomfortable experience. Children growing up in dysfunctional families learn to shield themselves from as much of it as is possible in order not to get hurt but ultimately, they in turn learn to numb themselves, which can cause problems in forming healthy relationships as they grow into adulthood.

These families don’t have the skills to create healthy communications with one another; they don’t know how to look at their ‘stuff’ and often don’t understand that they are triggering one another. It is so much easier to blame someone else rather than take responsibility for their individual actions and reactions. For example, I know from my own experiences with my father that I might say or do something that displeased him. On the few occasions that this occurred my father would stop talking to me for a lengthy period of time. When we were finally allowed to re-engage in communication, I was not allowed to enquire what it was that had caused the problem. We just had to sweep it all under the carpet and move on. I remember my aunt once telling me that it was all very mouldy under there!

Keeping safe in the moment

For the members of a dysfunctional family the ways each member has learnt to behave has arisen from the need to keep themselves safe in the moment, but these same behaviours ultimately keep them stuck rather than safe. In order to resolve relationship conflicts we need to be able to communicate how we are feeling and to be able to express what is going on for each of us individually, which in turn means that we come to understand the other person’s point of view.

My own learnt behaviour led me to make myself wrong in most relationship issues until I began my healing journey. I still struggle with confrontation in relationships but with work I have learnt how to express my feelings and my understanding of what’s happening in a given situation without the emotional charge, but in order to have a healthy relationship I also expect my partner to be able to do this too. I am, as ever, a work in progress, as I believe all of us are.

Denial

The elephant in the room is denial; we’re not allowed to talk about what is not working because the adults in the room don’t know how to handle it. They don’t have the life skills or the coping skills to deal with the problem. They are not equipped to face the situation head on, so they inadvertently stick their head in a bucket of sand in the hope that it will all just go away.

To begin to heal our relationship issues we need to be able to talk about what is going on, we need to be able to both feel our feelings and express ourselves to the other person(s) involved without creating shame or blame. I often need to wait a day or two so that I am able to let go of any emotional charge and I can then express myself with more clarity.

Trust

My learnt behaviour growing up was not to trust what I saw, heard and felt because the narrative was either non-existent or didn’t match my experience. My mother was brilliant at re-writing the story to fit her picture of events. I was taught that I was the problem because I wanted to talk about what was happening in the hope that we could each begin to understand how the other was feeling and with any luck create a harmonious resolution, but also in the hope that I didn’t make the same mistake again.

For those of us growing up in these families that don’t have the skills and abilities to heal, we reach a turning point in our lives where we can no longer remain silent – so we seek ways to understand and learn a better way of being. Many of us seek help from various therapists, or we find one modality or another to uncover our unhealthy acquired behaviours and limiting beliefs so that we can begin to create healthy relationships instead.

Courage

It certainly takes courage to dive into one’s own painful story but it is even more painful to remain stuck and to refuse to learn and grow. Until we choose to deal with our relationship issues we will continue to attract romantic partners and friendships that offer us the opportunity to learn and grow.

The work can be hard and there are times when we leap forwards feeling excited about all that we have learnt and about the new positive opportunities available to us, but there are also times when we hit a proverbial brick wall and it all feels too hard; it’s challenging and can be painful but it ultimately sets you free to enjoy healthier relationships.

Communication

I truly believe communication is the key to all healthy relationships and I no longer choose to invite co-dependent relationships into my life. I positively seek co-creative relationships instead because as we heal and as we choose to support each other in our individual healing journeys, we also grow together. We are ever-evolving and the journey excites me.

I hope that what I have shared with you this month helps you. Please remember that I am here to support you on your healing journey. Both healing and meditation are excellent ways to assist you in creating and enjoying healthy relationships, helping you to let go of old behaviours and limiting beliefs and assisting in you stepping ever more fully into all that you truly are. Enabling you to soften, open and expand your heart space, learning to know yourself on a soul level. You can contact me on +61 4 2451 8884 or email hello@pippaneve.com.

Photo by David Underland on Unsplash